People look for love outside of themselves to fill a void on the inside.
The challenge is that you are looking to solve an inside problem with an outside solution. Self-love is internal; we need to fill your own cup then give externally from your overflow. The moment you look on the outside to satisfy something on the inside there’s a break in the system.
You’ve heard the saying “looking for love in all the wrong places”. That’s because we spend so much time, intentionally or unintentionally, looking to fill the void with something that gives you value: your job, family, relationships, material things, substances, your surroundings, and even experiences.
If it’s not the boyfriend, it’s the job. If it’s not the job, it’s the drugs. If it’s not drugs, it’s alcohol. If it’s not alcohol, it’s sex. If it’s not sex, it’s shopping. If not shopping, it's eating. The list goes on and on.
If you haven’t found love in yourself, you are looking for it somewhere else. Whatever your thing is, it has total control over you.
Since love is something that’s on the inside, we end up giving our power away when we seek it from things on the outside. The moment that job, that boyfriend or girlfriend, that thing we use to define ourselves, goes away, we immediately go back to de-valuing ourselves. The validity of self diminishes when that thing leaves us, giving that thing full control of our self-worth.
That’s why when we find love in our boyfriend/girlfriend — who “completes us” (sound familiar?) — who then all of a sudden leaves us, we start to question ourselves.
“Was it me?”
“Am I not pretty enough?”
“Am I not sexy enough?”
You see, we allow someone else to paint the picture of how we view ourselves. No wonder we’re still seeking love because we keep giving away our rights to self-love.
Why do we have a thing anyway? What need are we looking to satisfy?
Let’s use our job as an example, when we strive to be a ‘know-it-all’, suck up to our boss, when we always have to be right, what we are really looking for is to belong.
We get a sense of self-worth when we are needed by someone.
We get a sense of self-pride when we are recognized by others.
We get a sense of self-respect when we intimidate others.
We get a sense of self-dependency by always having the right answer (sometimes at any cost).
We get a sense of self-peace when we can temporarily forget our problems (instead of addressing them).
We get a sense of self-love when we feel loved by others.
When we are looking for love externally, we are lacking it internally.
Needing approval, wanting to be accepted, needing to belong…. are reflections of self-hate. If we aren’t sourcing love inward, we look outward to give us our value. We have it backward!
That is why we are still seeking.
The longer that void resides in us because of the absence of love, the longer we maintain that negative self-talk: we are not good enough, we are not pretty enough, we are not…. enough!
As we think those thoughts, our mind sends signals to our brain which translates into toxic brain matter to support what we are thinking. Due to neuroplasticity — the ability of the brain to form and reorganize connections — these thoughts damage the physical structure of our brain which then impacts the rest of our body. Our health, our actions, our behaviors are all impacted. This is what triggers cancerous cells to activate. In fact, according to Dr. C Leaf, a cognitive neuroscientist, research says that 75%–98% of mental and physical illness is due to our thought life.
The good news is we also have the ability to reverse that. We can repair it in the same way we caused damage to it… through our thoughts! Our mind is very powerful, as it dictates our reality.
First is knowing where our true source of love comes from. Self-love is not only from within, but it’s from the source of what we are internally connected to, that greater being, that thing we all believe in. That powerful energy, unexplainable force, the true embodiment of love, I call God. The best way to explain it is this… God connects to our internal self and fills us with love. When we experience love, self-love, we are full enough of it to share with others. When we attempt to find it in others, we fail. When we attempt to find it in what we do, we fail. When we source it from God and we step into God’s love, we win every time.
The most important type of love on earth is self-love. Once we have it, it implies that we received it from the ultimate source. Then we are equipped to love others.
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ~ The Great Book of Wisdom
In other words, loving God is like, loving yourself and loving others with your self-love! Love your Neighbour as yourself indicates that you love others, as you love YOU. You must love YOU first, then love others with that same kind of self-love. The flow of Love: God -> Self -> Others.
When you love yourself, you can’t be defined by a relationship, job, a substance or a circumstance. Your love for self trumps all and you walk being secure in who you are. You are no longer available for other people’s opinions and criticisms because you define your own value. Love is an experience you have every day. It allows you to rejoice in spite of hard times or deflating moments. It gives you a sense of confidence, respect, assurance, assertiveness, motivation, value, affirmation and more. Take time today to be still, quiet the busyness of life, focus and connect to your inner self and ask to be fuelled with the true source of love.
For further information on the mind-body-spirit connection connect with me directly (email “Let’s talk” to [email protected]) or download my podcast “Wake up & Live (with Chantelle Simone)”.
Stay connected (in every sense of the word).
To Your Prosperity,
MNLP, MTLT, MCHt, MNLPC, MBBLSS
Subject Matter Expert on Purpose & Identity |Mental Master Coach | Educational Speaker
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